Whoa, Nelly

Was watching some videos of me and Gwen that my boyfriend shot earlier this summer. I never posted them because I felt like they were a terrible demonstration of what Gwen and I could do. I remember being frustrated with almost every game we tried to play, and my overall feeling was that we could do so much better, and WERE doing so much better, when the camera wasn't rolling.

Well, I re-watched those videos tonight and... wow. I saw so much more than what I saw the first time I watched them, and what I saw/felt during the actual event. I saw so much that I needed to improve on. For instance, though I didn't feel like I was moving especially fast at the time, watching Gwen as she reacts to me, I realize I am moving very, very quickly from one request to the next. When doing hind/fore yeilds, there is very little pause between when I ask her to move her hind quarters, and when I ask her to move her shoulder/head. It's not super sonic speed, but I can't help to wonder how she would have done if I had gone just a little slower, took a little longer of a pause between requests.

At liberty in the round pen, there was a moment when she turns in off the circle, and I try to encourage her to come in/walk with me. I turn and start walking slowly and Gwen doesn't follow. During the actual event, I wasn't very surprised and turned around and came to her instead. Watching the video, I can see Gwen's reactions, and thought process, and she actually TRIED to come to me, but I just moved too fast for her; I was way too fast between the invite (turning and walking) and when I "gave up" and went to her instead. Her ears were on me, and she had that look on her face like "I might go stand with you... oh. You came here instead".

I remember feeling so disconnected, like she wasn't listening to me. Watching the video, I can totally see her /trying/ to get me to listen to her, but I'm the one who's deaf. Her body language is totally there, and I'm just  not seeing it, not responding... and we only get worse as the video goes on. 

Wow. Talk about eye-opening.  But I'm encouraged, because I feel like I am much better at reading Gwen now, than I was back when the video was taken. And now that I see how quickly I tend to move, without realizing it, I'm going to make it a priority to go slow, take long pauses between requests and long pauses between games, and see if I can read Gwen a bit better.  And I definitly want to have us video'd again, to see if I improved at all.

J

I've said it before...

And I'll say it again. I'm a terrible blogger! ;_; 

Not much to blog about, though. I feel like I'm caught in limbo with Gwen. And for the past week or so, I actually feel like we've gone backwards, rather than forwards with our relationship. I dunno. I'm finding it hard to be motivated because I'm not seeing the positive "return" so to speak. I'm also fighting general lethargy more related to long work hours, and really, really HOT weather, than to equine activities. Regardless of cause, or reason, the result is the same; my lack of motivation means ZERO progress has been made. Bleh. We still can't do a figure 8 to save my life, but hey.

I'm trying to find ways to motivate myself to go out and DO something with Gwen at least 4 days each week, because this lack of activity is killing us. My main enemies are: the weather; work stress, and confusion/lack of knowledge about how to proceed. So, how do I tackle these three problems? Hrm.

I can't do much about the weather; it is what it is. I can make sure to go later in the evening when it starts to cool down, but it's still a factor. It will start getting cooler in the fall, but that has it's own problem (like rain, and lack of indoor/covered areas).

As for work stress... well, that's always going to be there, and all I can really do is just... push through it. MAKE myself go to the barn, and MAKE myself at least bring Gwen out and do SOMETHING with her. Deadlines and quota's help with this. If I tell myself "Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, you will do XYZ with Gwen..." I usually follow through. I try to leave the exact task undefined, and see how Gwen's feeling... (but that can lead to the third problem; lack of knowledge/confusion about where to go from here).

As for that, well... I don't have an answer there. So moving on...

My next great adversary in the motivation-battle is harder to deal with. An Audience.

Since school is back in session, it means that riding lessons are now hosted in the evenings... which is when I go to the barn. I got super spoiled all summer because of summer-camp. No one rode in the evenings, and most of the time I was THE only person there! It's so much easier when no one is around to see me. Now that people are back, not only is space super limited, but now I have the added presser of an audience. And I do NOT do well with an audience. I get tense, Gwen starts reacting, which makes me MORE tense knowing someone is watching me look like a complete idiot, which  means Gwen acts up MORE... etc.

I don't want to be back in the round pen, especially in the blazing heat (it is called the 'hot box' for a reason...). Argh!

So I'm grumpy, and pout-y, and all-around full of self-pity lately, with no real idea how to snap out of it and get back in the groove of things. :/  At least I'm going to the Parelli Horse & Soul tour in October! Maybe that will help...

J