Level 1 Online Audition

The weather was great, Gwen was awesome!  Please pardon the millions of birds that you can hear in the background (this is definitely where they fly to for the winter!). Big thanks to my boyfriend for filming this. Thank you Video Camera Gods for not letting the battery die! (We had some concern around the 6 minute mark, as you may hear).

Let me know what you think...

Thanks!

J

Resolution

Thank you, Melissa, for your comment on my last post. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who feels a little... uncomfortable with other people wanting to ride, or riding, my horse.

I am happy to report that there has been some sort of resolution to that particular dilemna. After a few days of really thinking about it, and weighing all my options, I finally got up the nerve to talk to my riding instructor about it. This was based, in part, on yet another comment that was made to me by one of the other riders at the barn. Turns out all three comments were related one particular incident. It turns out that barn mom I mentioned (that has her own horse) did, indeed, ride Gwen. Yeah, so not thrilled about that.  But my riding instructor explained the circumstances of that instance, apologized, and told me that it would not happen again (for several reasonson). I asked her how often Gwen was ridden by others, and the answer was "very, very rarely". She explained the few times Gwen had been used, (of which I already knew about; little kids, etc).

I did not ask her to stop using Gwen. Given my situation, I felt that would be extremely selfish of me. But after our conversation, I feel confident that my feelings on the matter are known, and that if Gwen is ever used for lessons, it will be only with a young kid to walk around the ring with. At the moment, I am content. If there is ever a time when I flat-out own Gwen, then I will bring up the topic again and make sure that Gwen is no longer used for lessons/trails/etc.

On to other news... Keep your fingers crossed that I am able to film my Level One Online audition tomorrow!!  I am super excited, really hoping everything goes well. Weather should be good, and the barn should be mostly empty, so those things will be in my favor. Whee!

Second... I have been letting everyone know (friends/family/boyfriend) that the ONLY thing I want for christmas this year is money for a saddle. I am fairly certain I will be able to buy one, but I have no idea if I want to get an english saddle, or a western one.  I have been riding her in Western, and my original objective was to purchase a western saddle, but now I am not sure... I am trying to think long term, and I don't know that I would ride any other horse Western. I have always ridden english... hrm.

But, price is definitely a factor. I have been looking around online, but it's hard to know what is a good brand, and what is not. Bleh. So stressful!

J

Jealous, Bitter, Heartbroken. Dilemma.

There are a lot of negative adjectives that could describe me right now. Resentful. Bitter. Jealous. Angry. Hurt. I'm also feeling guilty, sad, worried, and conflicted. Not a good mindset, really.

I don't usually consider myself to be a jealous person. I like to think that I am very giving in most aspects of my life. I give a lot of my time, energy, emotions and sometimes money and stuff, to those around me. Sometimes they are deserving. Sometimes they are not. But there is one huge part of my life that I am insanely jealous with. Gwen. With Gwen (or any horse that I would consider to be *mine*), I have a very "don't touch my stuff!" attitude. I'm calm, cool, and collected outside, but inside, I'm a raging two-year-old who wants to hoard all her toys.

Before you think too negatively of me, I will say that I am only jealous about Gwen in certain situations, scenarios, etc. I don't mind, for instance, if people want to pet her, feed her treats (but I will monitor what treats she gets), brush her, etc. I only get jealous when other people RIDE her. And usually, I find out about said ride after the fact. That's when my inner two-year-old comes out, and least inside (hey, I'm RBI, things stay pretty internal around here.).

So basically, the situation is this:  I lease Gwen. I pay to keep her at the barn she's at, which happens to be a barn I've been going to for... oh... let's say fifteen years. I've known the barn owner/manager/riding instructor (all one person) since I was 12. She taught me to ride. She introduced me to my first horse. She's one of the most generous people I know. Case in point, she's letting me board Gwen there, even though my situation is not very typical for her.  I mean, she introduced me TO Gwen. She knew Gwen before I did. She trained Gwen, she works for Gwen's owners (out at their ranch) and she's borrowed Gwen (and Star & Cool) for summer camps and trail rides in the past.   So I really shouldn't be surprised when, in a pinch, she'll let one of her lesson kids ride Gwen.  Without asking me. She's never been sneaky about it; she'll usually tell me when I show up later that day/week that Gwen was ridden by so-and-so, etc. But that doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, I feel WORSE. I'd rather not know about it... I think.

I'm super conflicted right now. It's gotten to a point where I don't know if I can keep doing this. I understand that, every once in a while she might need an extra lesson pony and, hey, she knows Gwen and how she reacts... but still. A large part of me feels cheated, used, and jealous when I find out that Gwen was used as a lesson pony. She's MINE Damn it, even if I don't actually own her...

It's really weighing on my mind tonight, because I had two seperate people make mention of it today.  First was one of the barn moms, who said something about Gwen disliking her... I don't know if she actually rode Gwen (and I sincerely hope she did NOT since she owns her own damn horse... ) and the second mention was by one of the lesson kids in the arena with  me. Admittedly, the girl was giving me a compliment, but it kinda backfired. She said, more or less, that whenever someone else rode Gwen, she was grouchy and stubborn, but when I rode her, she'd do whatever I asked with no fuss.  I was both pleased at the comment, and very, very upset by it. Because it got me thinking, 'just how often is Gwen being used as a lesson horse?'. Because my understanding was that those moments were rare and few between. Ex: until today, I could only count 3 times that she'd been ridden by someone other than me since I began leasing her in March...

I'm really kinda pissed off! I'm spending a good chunk of my pay check to lease Gwen, and though the dollar ammount might not seem large, it's a great deal more than I probably should be spending on a "hobby" (though I would never consider Gwen a hobby, other people might). I'll admit, I have sat down and thought about what else I might use that money for... savings. Down payment on a house. Going back to school...  But then I go to the barn and see Gwen, and I couldn't imagine NOT having her...

Which makes this next part really, really difficult. 

I don't know if I can keep going on, if Gwen is going to be used as a lesson horse when I'm not around (or when I AM around. That would be infinitely worse).  I don't know what to do about it, though.  Of course the first piece of advice I am likely to receive is to TELL NORA how I feel. But that's a huge struggle, because any way I picture bringing up the topic, I look like a spoiled, jealous, whiny brat. Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm completely justified in my feelings. I don't know the answer to that. All I know is how I feel, and that pushing it to the back of my mind and trying to forget about it is no longer going to work.

The flip side is... Nora has been extremely generous to me, both now and in the past, and I feel like bringing up this topic (and asking her not to use Gwen) is very selfish of me. She's done so much for me, the least I can do is let her borrow my horse for lessons right?  Except no. Because I have to think about Gwen in this, too. And the thought of some scrawny brat sitting on her back, yanking on her mouth and kicking her in the ribs (or using a crop on her, which has been done too) makes me sick, and furious, and just... spitting mad. NONONONONO! If anyone is going to ride Gwen, I want them using a halter, with me instructing them, so that I can monitor all behaviour of both my horse, and the rider. But I can't do that.

Argh! 

So there you have it. My big dilemma. I have three options, that I can see.

1) I can keep doing what I've been doing; pretending it doesn't bother me, and then doing my darndest to forget about it.
2) I can bring up the topic and risk a very uncomfortable conversation with Nora, in which I feel like a total ass, being selfish, etc.
3) I can break the lease and not have Gwen any more...

I honestly do not know what I am going to do. So I think I will just go cry now.

J

Oh My, What a marvelous tune...

Or Trot, as the case may be!  So, I haven't updated in a while, but I have been meaning to do just that for the past week, simply because each day has been one of those "wow!" days with Gwen. I can't believe how good she is doing!

We kept up the riding progress, and I actually made it out the barn every day last week (which won't happen again for a while I'm afraid, thanks to daylight-savings ending :P). By the end of the week, Gwen was calmly trotting along the short side of the arena, whoohoo!  Yesterday, we picked up again, and even tho the ground was muddy and gross, and there were lots of other horses in the arena, Gwen made lots of progress!  Her trot is getting consistently more mellow (no more speedy/pogo-stick trotting!), and though it's no where near what would be considered a western 'jog', it's definitly not as bad as it used to be!

But I have to say that, undoutebly, the best part of yesterday was not our time in the arena (although that was awesome!), it was the time just before it when I was saddling her up. Wow. What a different horse from last week!  Last Monday, when saddling, she was internal, half-lidded, tense and clearly not happy. Very RBI. Yesterday?  Ears perked, watching me, interested in things around her... happy to stand still while I showed her the blanket and saddle, eager to put her nose on both.. I was shocked and amazed. For a moment (a very brief moment) I wondered if I had accidently pulled the wrong horse from the ring!

Her attitude stayed up-beat and connected for the whole evening, too. She was happy to move off in a circle, stood quietly by the mounting block with no tension, and didn't try to move forward as I got on... simply put, she was outstandingly connected and a total partner.  And this with a ring full of kids on ponies?! Crazy!

The only time she got a bit grouchy and tense is when said kids-on-ponies would run up her butt. She didn't kick, but she'd get a grouchy-mare face and start tensing up. The kids are young, but definitely know better than that. I politely informed them that they did NOT want to run up Gwen's butt (her mother, Missy, was notorious for kicking out at horses who followed too close, and I wasn't sure if Gwen took after her or not... better safe than sorry), but when polite, and pointed, instruction failed, I simply halted Gwen on the rail and waited for the kids to realize they had to GO AROUND!  I wish I'd had a camera, because for a moment I had a little trail of ducklines all along the fence because no one seemed to want to pass us! They are lucky the riding instructor was busy... seriously, all those kids know better than to just follow the leader.

One of the things I really respect about my riding instructor/barn owner, is that she really teaches you to RIDE your horse, and not just sit there. She makes her students take responsibility for themselves and their horses. She always preaches to GO AROUND, or make a circle, or do SOMETHING so that you are not just following the horse in front of you. So yeah, laziness rather than lack of knowledge. Plus, it was funny to watch them all just... stop behind us :)  But it fixed the crawl-up-Gwen's-butt habit quick.

Rant aside, Gwen did terrific with kids and ponies and mud, etc. I love my girl XD

Unfortunately, it looks like I will only be able to get to the barn three nights a week, due to the time change. Tuesday and Thursday, I don't get out of work until 530, and now... well. It's practically dark at that time. And we do not have a lighted arena (or lights at all, really). I may take to going on the weekends, since that was previously my 'days off', but we'll see.

Either way, awesome progress for Gwen and me!  Can't wait to see how she behaves tomorrow :)

Lookin' so cute in a lesson saddle!

Holding my brushes. What a good partner!

J