Jealous, Bitter, Heartbroken. Dilemma.

There are a lot of negative adjectives that could describe me right now. Resentful. Bitter. Jealous. Angry. Hurt. I'm also feeling guilty, sad, worried, and conflicted. Not a good mindset, really.

I don't usually consider myself to be a jealous person. I like to think that I am very giving in most aspects of my life. I give a lot of my time, energy, emotions and sometimes money and stuff, to those around me. Sometimes they are deserving. Sometimes they are not. But there is one huge part of my life that I am insanely jealous with. Gwen. With Gwen (or any horse that I would consider to be *mine*), I have a very "don't touch my stuff!" attitude. I'm calm, cool, and collected outside, but inside, I'm a raging two-year-old who wants to hoard all her toys.

Before you think too negatively of me, I will say that I am only jealous about Gwen in certain situations, scenarios, etc. I don't mind, for instance, if people want to pet her, feed her treats (but I will monitor what treats she gets), brush her, etc. I only get jealous when other people RIDE her. And usually, I find out about said ride after the fact. That's when my inner two-year-old comes out, and least inside (hey, I'm RBI, things stay pretty internal around here.).

So basically, the situation is this:  I lease Gwen. I pay to keep her at the barn she's at, which happens to be a barn I've been going to for... oh... let's say fifteen years. I've known the barn owner/manager/riding instructor (all one person) since I was 12. She taught me to ride. She introduced me to my first horse. She's one of the most generous people I know. Case in point, she's letting me board Gwen there, even though my situation is not very typical for her.  I mean, she introduced me TO Gwen. She knew Gwen before I did. She trained Gwen, she works for Gwen's owners (out at their ranch) and she's borrowed Gwen (and Star & Cool) for summer camps and trail rides in the past.   So I really shouldn't be surprised when, in a pinch, she'll let one of her lesson kids ride Gwen.  Without asking me. She's never been sneaky about it; she'll usually tell me when I show up later that day/week that Gwen was ridden by so-and-so, etc. But that doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, I feel WORSE. I'd rather not know about it... I think.

I'm super conflicted right now. It's gotten to a point where I don't know if I can keep doing this. I understand that, every once in a while she might need an extra lesson pony and, hey, she knows Gwen and how she reacts... but still. A large part of me feels cheated, used, and jealous when I find out that Gwen was used as a lesson pony. She's MINE Damn it, even if I don't actually own her...

It's really weighing on my mind tonight, because I had two seperate people make mention of it today.  First was one of the barn moms, who said something about Gwen disliking her... I don't know if she actually rode Gwen (and I sincerely hope she did NOT since she owns her own damn horse... ) and the second mention was by one of the lesson kids in the arena with  me. Admittedly, the girl was giving me a compliment, but it kinda backfired. She said, more or less, that whenever someone else rode Gwen, she was grouchy and stubborn, but when I rode her, she'd do whatever I asked with no fuss.  I was both pleased at the comment, and very, very upset by it. Because it got me thinking, 'just how often is Gwen being used as a lesson horse?'. Because my understanding was that those moments were rare and few between. Ex: until today, I could only count 3 times that she'd been ridden by someone other than me since I began leasing her in March...

I'm really kinda pissed off! I'm spending a good chunk of my pay check to lease Gwen, and though the dollar ammount might not seem large, it's a great deal more than I probably should be spending on a "hobby" (though I would never consider Gwen a hobby, other people might). I'll admit, I have sat down and thought about what else I might use that money for... savings. Down payment on a house. Going back to school...  But then I go to the barn and see Gwen, and I couldn't imagine NOT having her...

Which makes this next part really, really difficult. 

I don't know if I can keep going on, if Gwen is going to be used as a lesson horse when I'm not around (or when I AM around. That would be infinitely worse).  I don't know what to do about it, though.  Of course the first piece of advice I am likely to receive is to TELL NORA how I feel. But that's a huge struggle, because any way I picture bringing up the topic, I look like a spoiled, jealous, whiny brat. Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm completely justified in my feelings. I don't know the answer to that. All I know is how I feel, and that pushing it to the back of my mind and trying to forget about it is no longer going to work.

The flip side is... Nora has been extremely generous to me, both now and in the past, and I feel like bringing up this topic (and asking her not to use Gwen) is very selfish of me. She's done so much for me, the least I can do is let her borrow my horse for lessons right?  Except no. Because I have to think about Gwen in this, too. And the thought of some scrawny brat sitting on her back, yanking on her mouth and kicking her in the ribs (or using a crop on her, which has been done too) makes me sick, and furious, and just... spitting mad. NONONONONO! If anyone is going to ride Gwen, I want them using a halter, with me instructing them, so that I can monitor all behaviour of both my horse, and the rider. But I can't do that.

Argh! 

So there you have it. My big dilemma. I have three options, that I can see.

1) I can keep doing what I've been doing; pretending it doesn't bother me, and then doing my darndest to forget about it.
2) I can bring up the topic and risk a very uncomfortable conversation with Nora, in which I feel like a total ass, being selfish, etc.
3) I can break the lease and not have Gwen any more...

I honestly do not know what I am going to do. So I think I will just go cry now.

J